Stars in Cars
Here we are in Beverly Hills for the thirteenth Stars in Cars extravaganza. And it's Brad Pitt in the lead in his Ferrari. Secretly hidden in the driver’s cabin is his wife, Angelina. At the moment she’s on her knees looking after his gearstick.
“What’s it like to be in the lead?”
“Well, I don’t want to sound big headed but I’m used to being in the lead. For me it’s normal.”
“That’s good to know. Thank you Brad.”
Let’s leave Mr Bighead as he roars off when his wife changes gear. Oops, I think he just said sorry for a slip with his fuel injection. So who’s behind Brad? It’s the gorgeous Linda Evangelista.
“How’re you doing Linda?”
Ooh, she’s very serious, concentrating on her driving.
“Do you think you’ll catch Brad, Linda?”
“Anyone with a nice ass can catch him.”
“No, I mean in your car.”
“Oh, I see. Of course I can. He’s useless if he hasn’t got Angelina to steer him round corners.”
“She’s in the car with him now.”
“That’s against the rules.”
“Are you going to tell anyone? ”
“No, I’m not a tell-tale. What’s she doing in there?”
“Moving his gearstick.”
“Will that pair stop at nothing. I’ll get them.”
Wow, she roars off in a cloud of smoke.
Ah, here comes Rita Hayworth.
“Whatcha driving Rita?”
“A Lincoln Continental.”
“It’s a big car.”
“I’m a big star and a big star needs a big car.”
“Do you think you can win?”
“I don’t know about win, but I’m sure gonna push that little tart Jolie off the track.”
“You know about her?”
“I saw her squeeze into his car and hide. Cheap hussy.”
“Not something you’d do?”
“Not so people’d notice.”
Now, that’s what you call glamour.
Oh, it’s Minnie Driver racing towards us at 200 kilometres an hour. Oh no, she’s hit the safety barrier. She turned to smile at a photographer, and now she’s flying up in the air.
“Whoa, Minnie, what did you think you were doing?”
“I never look good in profile, so I turned to give my best view, and lost control.”
“That was silly Minnie.”
“You can say that again.”
“What will you do now?”
“I’m just hoping I don’t land on anything spikey and get impaled. ”
Oh no, she plonked on a spiky aerial and got impaled. Poor Minnie, obviously not living up to the family name.
So it's Brad still in the lead and Rita is gaining on Linda, it will be close for second.
And even though Minnie is dangling like a kebab on a skewer the race goes on.
Here comes Marlon Brando.
“Why are you driving a Ford, Marlon? ”
“Ahm doin fah soo looky maaam.”
“Aam droon frah soaky loki maan.”
You’d’ve thought he’d’ve learnt to speak proper by now. My, here’s Al Jolson.”
“Mammy, how I love yuh.”
“Is that the only song you know?”
“How I love yuh, how I love yuh.”
“Yeah, tell that to Minnie.”
“Mah dear ole mammy.”
“Gotta let you go. And do something about your make-up.”
“Steve McQueen. You’re looking good in your Jaguar. Is that a race car?”
“Well, yeah, I guessed it was fast. So how come you’re so far behind?”
“I gave them a head start.”
“You think you’ll win?”
“Of course I’ll win. I always win.”
“You lost Ali MacGraw. Ooh, that’s a nasty look Steve. You know Marilyn Monroe’s behind you?”
Oh no, he turned to look, she smiled, and his Jaguar X120 has gone somersaulting down the track.
“Hi Marilyn. Nice car.”
“It’s British. Curvy like me.”
“Can you win?”
“I don’t care much for winning, I just wanna get myself seen.”
“You’re looking good.”
“Why thank you.”
“You know you’ve got Brad Pitt lapping you?”
“Well, there’s nothing like being lapped to keep a girl happy.”
“Hey Brad, it's Marilyn.”
Oops, Angie’s head suddenly appears with Brad’s gearstick clenched in her teeth. Mahwiline, she mumbles and Mr Bighead, seemingly in pain, smashes into a safety barrier.
“Hey, it’s George Bush.”
“Whatcha doin’ in the race, George?”
“I’m in a race? I don’t think so. I'm looking for a game of golf.”
“You must have taken a wrong turning.”
“I’d better turn back.”
Oh my God. He smashed into Charlize Theron. Oh this is terrible. Both cars in a ball of flame. Not only 9/11 and New Orleans, but killing Charlize as well. George, you’re such an idiot.
What's this! Linda’s stopped for a photo shoot.
“What are you doing Linda.”
“I see my favourite photographer, so I stop.”
Well, she's out of the race.
Let’s see who’s winning. It's Marilyn just ahead of Rita.
“What happened to Al, Rita?”
“I shot his tyres out.”
“That wasn’t very nice.”
“He wasn’t very nice. He gives a bad name to gollywogs.”
“Can you beat Marilyn?”
“If I don’t I'll sure be a good second.”
And it’s Marilyn in the lead. Oh no, she’s putting on lipstick. And Rita wins by headlight.
“Marilyn, why did you put on lipstick? You could have won.”
“But I couldn’t be seen with smudgy lips.”
“Well done Rita, how’s it feel to be on top?”
“My favourite position.”
“Pretty dangerous race.”
“I like danger.”
Well that’s it for Stars in Cars 2012. Be sure to tune in next year for more crashes and gossip.
Published in The Minetta Review June 21st, 2013