Bouffant
Samantha Memi
I was Marie
Antoinette with my hair done up so high I couldn't lean over in case I toppled
and fell. A little bird who had a nest in my hair flew out and said: Think less of your hair or you’ll lose your
head, and I thought, what does a little bird know about fashionable coiffure.
One day I was in my
boudoir and a servant rushed in, all flustered and
wild-eyed and I glared
at her and shouted: How dare you enter my
boudoir, what do you want? and she
said: Your Majesty, the peasants are
revolting, and I said: I know they’re
revolting, they’ve always been revolting, which I thought was quite witty so
I made a mental note to remember it to tell Louis, and the servant, who looked
nervous, said: They say they have no
bread, and I said: Give them some
cake, which I thought was very kind of me because I was rather fond of cake
but due to my expanding waistline I decided to eat less of it and the servant
ran off, and I settled down to having my hair powdered and built up even higher
when suddenly this band of cut-throats calling themselves revolutionaries crashed
into my room and I shouted: Guard! Guard! but no guards came because the
cut-throats had cut all their throats, and there was one of the guards, a Captain
Ferson, who often told me witty things which made me laugh and I hoped his
throat hadn't been cut.
Marie Antoinette, you're under arrest, said the mean-eyed leader, and he looked at
my hairdresser Léonard, and said: Now you
can be free, Vive la révolution,
and he left. Then Louis and I were taken from Versailles and put in the Tuileries
which was cold and damp, and most inconsiderate because it was hunting season
and Louis could imagine the forest and all the handsome stags he could be hunting
and he sulked because he missed charging along on his charger. So Louis and his
secretary worked out an ingenious plan; escape! I thought, how exciting! and
they told me I would have to change my hair style. I refused and Louis said if
I didn’t I would be recognized and we’d be captured and brought back to Paris and
I said: The people love me and if they
recognize me they will remember the cake I gave them and they will shower me
with rose petals and direct us on our way. So off we went and we left the
palace in our carriage and trundled through France and no one cheered because
they were all asleep because it was three
o'clock in the morning, and I said: Where are we going? and Louis said: Montmédy, I've already told you, and he sounded awfully grumpy and
I said: No need to be so rude, and I
sniffled for a bit with my handkerchief but he didn't seem to notice, then I
got bored and asked: Are we there yet?
Then another band of cut-throats stopped our carriage and we were taken back to
Paris, and I was so frightened when the carriage was stopped I wet myself and called:
Louis Louis, which apparently was
later turned into a song by the Kingsmen but I didn’t know that at the time,
though in fact king’s men were what we most needed, and we were thrown in
prison. I have never seen anything so filthy and disgusting in my life and I
said to Louis: Whatever have things come
to when our servants are taken from us? and he said: I told you to change your hairstyle but would you listen? no, not you. Which wasn't
true, I did listen, I just didn't do it. I couldn't. And I cried, why should I
get the blame for the predicament we were in, and then they came and took us
out to the Place Louis XV and I saw madame guillotine and I thought my God
they’re going to chop my head off and I wet myself (which was horrible because
in the 18th century we didn't have Tena pads) and I had to climb the steps of
the scaffold and all the crowd shouting: Death
to the Queen, Death to the Queen, and I thought, if only I
hadn't married Louis and then I thought, no, I've been happy with him and not
many people have years of happiness in their lives, some only have a few weeks
of happiness and all the rest is misery. Then, distracted by fear, I inadvertently
stepped on the executioners foot. Sorry, I
said, I did not mean to do that, and he
made me lie down with my head over this filthy piece of wood all bloodstained
and I saw a cockroach and I wanted to scream but my throat was paralysed and I
heard the blade sliding, then clunk my head rolled away from my body and my
eyes looked at the blood gushing from my neck and a little bird flew out of my
hair and hovered and said: So now you decide
to do something about your hair.
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