The Tale of Pregnant
Tinkerbelle
Samantha
Memi
Everyone was shocked when they heard Tinkerbelle
was six days gone and had got so heavy she couldn't fly. Who could have
done it, everyone asked, but Tinkerbelle wasn't telling. So no one knew.
That isn't true. I knew, and in this Declaration I
swear I will tell the truth of the matter.
Well, first let me tell you, Tinkerbelle was no
virgin. I don’t mean she was on the streets, strutting her stuff every night,
that wasn't her way, but she’s had more than a few fun partners in her life. I
just want to make that clear: I'm not saying she was a slut, just that she was
not a virgin – and her not married neither. Well, I don’t know how to put this,
but when she was doing – you know, the naughty – she couldn't do it lying down.
Her wings got in the way. So she always did it doggie style. She preferred
beetles who found wings sexy. But her favourite partner, was Gerald the
grasshopper. While he was pumping away he’d stroke her wings gently. They’d
regularly meet in the woods where they would give each other a good seeing to.
But Gerald isn't the father of her unborn baby.
I know all this may seem a bit, ‘what’s this got to
do with the story’ but I'm just setting the scene to let you know
what Tinkerbelle was like. Most people think fairies are all sweetness and
light, and Tinkerbelle could be like that, but she had a darker side. I think
she was a bit bipolar. I remember once at a party, I was with my husband,
we're very well regarded ladybirds in our local meadow, although he prefers to
be called a Lady boy, which I think is a bit perverse, and Tinkerbelle was
there, high on coke and smack and shagging everyone in sight. I’m sorry I have
to use that word but that’s what she was doing, and I have to tell the truth.
She had no shame at all. And with everyone watching as well.
Anyway, the baby, yes, whose is it. Well, she'd had
a row with Gerald, he couldn't get it up one day and she went berserk, called
him every name under the sun. I mean, he's only a little grasshopper. So she
stormed off and flew into the forest. Now, in the forest are a bunch of goblins
and they can be so naughty. I know for certain they’re at the centre of drug
smuggling, money-laundering, prostitution with underage butterflies that a few
hours before were still caterpillars. I mean these guys are disgusting. So they
caught Tinkerbelle and gang raped her. When she came out of the forest she
was shaking like a leaf in a hurricane. But that wasn't what got her pregnant,
no, but I just wanted to point out that she could have escaped being treated
like that. She could have avoided going into the forest in the first place
which is what anyone sensible would have done. And even if she did go in the
forest she could have avoided the goblins, then she would have been safe. I
think she wanted to get gang banged to make Gerald jealous. That’s what she was
like.
Well I have to explain my reasons for writing this
and telling the truth about the nature of Tinkerbelle and how she seduces
insects no matter how low class they are. And that’s what she did with my
husband, I don’t mean he's low class because he’s not. He's from one of the
best ladybird families around. But Tinkerbelle seduced him, she used her fairy
wiles on him, and that’s how she got pregnant. It wasn't his fault. You can see
what sort of fairy she is. Her baby could be anybody's. It all happened when I
was out for a fly around. She went to see my husband, drugged him and seduced
him in order to have a ladybird baby. My poor husband – he was so shocked. If I
could take her to the Fairy Court I would, but ladybirds aren't recognized, so
I'll have to find some other way to show polite society what she is really
like. And that’s what I will do. Cheapskate harlot. As you have already
observed from my honest and truthful account Tinkerbelle is no sweet ‘honey
wouldn't melt in my mouth’ innocent little fairy. No. She would make the whore
of Babylon blush, whereas my husband, well I can truthfully say that there has
never been a more honest and upright insect ever. He couldn't break a rule or
fly in the face of custom. His weakness is to always want to help others in
need. So obviously when Tinkerbelle had her way with him for – you know –
the dirty thing – he was unable not to oblige and, in so doing, brought such
disgrace on our family that I had to settle down and write a right and truthful
chronicle of events for your most worshipful lordship judges of The Forest
Court, so you would understand the predicament my hubby was in and not look
upon him as a perv and banish him from Highbury Fields. All I want to do is
clear our family name, and free my husband from malicious gossip. I bear no ill
will against Tinkerbelle, even if she is a whore.
Written down by Alexander Beetle for the Forest
Court (Petition no. 346TY782B2)
Signed X, for Samantha Memistopheles, Five Spot
Ladybird of Lavender Meadow
Dated, 142/65/3024
Published in Danse Macabre, August 15, 2011
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